i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize