Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
