I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
