I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
