i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
