Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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