That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
