so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
