he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
