We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
