I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize
