like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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