How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I smell like Dick and happiness
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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