I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
