oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
