it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize