how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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