The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
