I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
