i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
