trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
