Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
