Pants 0. Shit 1.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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