I wish my penis had an off switch
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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