She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm determined to sit on that face.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
