I think I won the penis lottery.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
