i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
