Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
