so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
