Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
