so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
