I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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