the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
a search helicopter?!
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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