i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
