i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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