You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
