I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
