if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
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