The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
