he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
