So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
