Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
