The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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