How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
