tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
