I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
