Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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