Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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