Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
