I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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