I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
