i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
